Self-respect -> the outward expression of valuing myself
About 5 months ago, I hit reality at full speed when I had to accept the fact that one of my best friends was getting married on my birthday. And yes, I was one of the bridesmaids. I was bitter and pouty about it until 2 days before the wedding. Reality was – I didn’t think I was valuable enough for those around me to value (or respect) me AND the happy couple at the same time. If I didn’t value myself, how can I expect other people to value me?
Two days before the wedding, I discovered, for myself, that I am valuable. It gave me a new reason to celebrate my birthday. My birthday isn’t about getting all the attention and presents and compliments and whatever. My birthday is a special day because on May 20, 1983, God decided that this world was ready for and needed the gifts and answers that Cynthia has to offer. And for me, that is enough reason to celebrate me, whether anyone else takes notice or not.
My awaking in May of 2006 was the end of 5 years of thinking that I am not valuable to anyone. And I mean 5 years exactly! May 19, 2001 was my senior prom. My prom date was a guy that I had dated, but we weren’t dating when prom came around. After the dance, while I was on the phone with my mom, he attempted to take advantage of me, knowing that I wouldn’t say anything with my mom on the phone (a very vulnerable moment). After hanging up and screaming, “What’s your freakin’ problem?” he proceeded to tell me that he didn’t have to respect me anymore since we weren’t dating. It was at that moment that I decided I would not let anyone disrespect me like that again. Unfortunately, I left myself open to a whole lot more disrespect, and even that determination began to break down. And it’s true, I have never been disrespected in the same way I was on prom night. And my self-respect (self-value) had been on the decline until May 18, 2006.
Now that I am starting to see my own value, I’ve realized that I can’t allow myself to take any disrespect from people around me. I know I can’t force people be respectful, but it’s kind of like those “10 steps to quitting” programs. If you want to quit smoking – step one – stop hanging around people who smoke. So, if you want to learn to respect yourself, stop hanging around people who disrespect you, even in a joking manner. After looking back, I realized that the hidden meaning in the jokes hurt me worse than the insults did.
Now, when I talk about people disrespecting me, I’m not talking about direct, blatant disrespect to my person, even though that is part of it. You disrespect me when you disrespect those things I love – My dream, my church, my God, my boyfriend, my car, my favorite sweater. All of those things are a part me at some level. Before, it was easier to defend those things I cared for than it was to defend myself. Now, I have purposed for myself that I will not passively allow myself to be disrespected.
So, how do judge if someone is being disrespectful? I like to use something my friends affectionately call “the butt-hole meter”. It is a handy little, internal tool that warns me when someone is being a butt-hole, whether they are consciously acting that way or not. It is also useful for letting me know if someone is truly being a butt-hole or just simply being honest with me about my flaws or crummy attitude or the booger in my nose. When my butt-hole meter goes off, I have two choices – walk away from the situation or defend whoever or whatever is being disrespected. The relationship I have with the people in a particular situation will determine which way I respond.
Thanks to my butt-hole meter, I can make sure that I surround myself with people who say truthful things about me (and unfortunately, the truth is not always positive).
*And just for the record – lying to me to make me feel good is considered disrespectful in my book!
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2 comments:
I've really liked these two posts on respect. I think that in dealing with people, respect is probably the most important thing we can give. If you don't believe me, just disrespect a person...even jokingly...and see if their attitude towards you doesn't change. No matter how tough-skinned we may think we are, all of us have an internal hunger to be respected and appreciated. And the person that can give me that respect and appreciation will usually have me in the palm of their hand...so to speak.
Now this is what I call getting real, it's one thing to know something for yourself---it's another thing to lay it all out and put the fascade down. People who do this are in the growing process.
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