100th post!

Wow. We are already to our 100'th post!

In honor of the big Centennial, I want everyone to tell me what your favorite post you have read! If it's a comment that is fine too. Hopefully this post will get more comments than #99. I would love for everyone to at least give me something. Let me know what spurred you, what inspired you, what changed you, and what shook you... I want to know what made you mad, what made you sad, what made you glad!

Share with us some of the change you have experienced... hopefully some of it due to this blog since you started reading! Not that we are anything special here at Change Addicts, but we do care about those real addicts out there and knowing what has changed in your life!

Once again, thanks for your continued support and I look forward to much more to come of this in the months and years to come!

Where I go nobody knows!

Softly stealing through the silent winter wood

the soft snow crunching the pines swaying heavy with ice.

Delightfully wonderous innocence... softly softly softly.


Stealing night, lonely and arrogant.

Blackness dancing the waltz upon each sill.

Sighs of delight no innocence just emptiness... stealing stealing stealing.


Bright blazing sun, blistered parched lips thirsty for dew.

A draft? A bird? no like innocence swiftly fleeting falling in minds

Painful sear, delightful tear, even salt moisture a delight ... bright bright bright.


Dark alleys, black nights

searing sun's, allah's light

cold winds dancing, drifting with each shimmer

hope on a horizon, miles miles miles.


single beacon shine
brighter fire climb

leap and dance chase me now
release this soul of mine


**** Anyone care to interpret?****

American Idols

I must confess that I have idols in my life. No really don't laugh I do.

What is an idol? An idol is a representation of a "noun" that you have cast into stone or metal or some graven image that you worship.

I see the cogs turning... "where is this going?" you are thinking.

Well lets take a look at what it takes to make an idol. An idol first of all is made by fashioning an image of your "god", your "perfection". It is often times ornately designed and beautifully fashioned out of the most precious of metals.

I used to wonder why God said in the 10 commandments that the Isrealites should have "no graven image before them". I mean... would it not be good to have this graven image that helps remind you of Yahweh! Yet, when Aaron built the idol in the old testament it wasn't long until the earth was opening up and swallowing people.

So whats the problem with idols and what has that got to do with me?

Well idols create several problems. First of all the problem with idols is that they are fashioned/engraven into an unchanging form. The reason God didn't want the Isrealites having an idol is that he did not want to be stuck into acting only by one standard and having only a single facet that they could see him as. The Bible actually refers to God as the Lion of Judah and the Lamb of God all at the same time. If He is in a graven image... He cannot be both.

The second problem with idols is that we create them to be our standard of judgement. Therefore, we live our lives attempting to become an inanimate being. We hold ourselves to unmoving standards and before long create a hardened facade that never changes.

So blah blah blah... what makes this conversation about idols any different from all the others you have heard people talk about.

Well my problem is that I have made a person an idol. I didn't even realize I was doing it. As a matter of fact, anyone in my life that I feel like is a success I idolize them. I begin to put this permanent hardened image on them. I trap them into acting in a singular way and being hardened to my actions. Worship can be such a strange thing. In honoring a person I can actually harm them. That is why God is the only person that is worthy of my worship.

Let me explain. In the particular instance that I am thinking of, I put this person on such a pedastal that they became an idol in my life. I engraved them into being able to take anything, that my actions didn't affect them in any signficant way. That they were "above" me and my petty faults. And in no means is this a shot at them, but they weren't. The way I acted did matter. When I was rude to them it did hurt their feelings. It did bother them.

To build on this, because I made them an idol in my life, I needed to have their approval. I needed them to think that what I did was the "right" thing. I needed them to feed me my identity, my self value, and my worth.

So in a "sick" and "demented" way I would be completely and totally rude to this person while attempting to convince them that I was right. I needed their approval so badly that I hurt them time and time again without even knowing I was doing it. I would argue with them over and over hoping to prove to them that I was right so that they would give me the approval that I so desperately desired.

However, in looking back it wasn't that I was hardened towards them but in my mind I had hardened them towards me. In no way was this their fault. It didn't really even have anything to do with them specifically. It had everything to do with my own insecurity and my need to have their approval.

Since realizing this during this past weekend, I'm realizing more and more that I have idolized alot of people in my life. Probably not to the extent that I did this person, but certain areas of my life. I then strive to get people's approval in the areas that I have engraved them into. Even if it means hurting them, I need them to tell me "yes you did that right". Yes you are right!...

Yeah I know I'm sick... and really I may be one of the only people in the world who has done this... I can't see it at this point in anyone else. But I wanted to share it with you and see if anyone else could identfity at all.

So now I start the long road to recovery with the relationship with this particular person as well as a journey to tear down the other idols in my life.

Maybe...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.
"Maybe," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well
things had turned out. "Maybe," said the farmer.

This one will make you think. I'm not saying that everything that happens is both good and bad... but maybe... just maybe... we should assess the things that we often think are "bad" or the things that we think are "good" and see if we should say "maybe".
Maybe the spears people throw at us and the attacks that we attribute to "the devil" or "evil" might be sent to strengthen you. Maybe... you are hearing the voices of doubt and frustration louder now than ever because until now you couldn't hear them, this lets you hear them. Maybe... just maybe... things matter in ways you cannot see and may not know.

Maybe. . .

Any "maybe" realizations in your life?

A Cry For Help

It seems that we as human beings are always asking the questions. Who am I? Why am I? It doesn’t seem to matter how old we get these questions and others like them always seem to come rolling around. Logically these questions should be easy to answer.

I am the middle son of William David Coker. My mother is an orphan from Chicago Illinois. My childhood was nothing spectacular by worldly standards. My relations with siblings was strained and possibly even warped.

As the son of a preacher I was born again at an early age. Later, I discovered I had a God given destiny. This intrigued me to the utmost and I began to fully pursue my God given Destiny. I wanted to be great.

It seems it is in everyone to be something great. My question is, why? Why do I have to be on the cutting edge? Not the noble reason that I tell everyone. Why do I really want to be great? If it isn’t for the right reason, I will reason that anything within my belief system is agreeable for making myself great. (After all there couldn’t possible be anything wrong with my belief system.) I might even sacrifice the feelings and destiny of others to claw my way to the top.

Then one day I had a remarkable thought about my relentless pursuit of destiny. The question itself of, who am I, was all about me. As I began to search deeper, my fears were confirmed. I was all about me. My entire existence was wholly about me. What I wanted was the most important thing to me. Selfishness plagued me. It dominated my thought life. Even when I did things for others it was ultimately about what I could get out of it. I didn’t just use people for the sake of using people. I really felt like it was the best thing for them also. At least that is what I had convinced myself.

My deception was that of the worst kind, self. I had deceived myself into thinking that I was the noble person that I thought I was. I had become the victim of my own ruse. This disturbed me in no small manner. I tried to deny it at first but finally I had to admit the alarming truth about myself. I was selfish and self centered. Then I realized that everyone else was also.
It is the flaw of having a flesh and blood body with a fallen nature I’m afraid. Even if I can identify with your pain I can’t feel exactly what others feel. I feel my own pain much more intensely than yours. I often will move much more quickly to alleviate my pain than that of others.

There have been times were unknown heroes risked life and limb selflessly through fiery buildings, icy waters, or perhaps even a fray of bullets to answer the cry for help. I remember seeing one such incident when I was a child. A woman had fallen into an icy river of substantial size. The rescue unit was on the way with rafts and blankets while onlookers watched from the bridge. Then the unimaginable happened.

One of the onlookers from the bridge jumped twenty feet into the icy water and swam toward the cries for help. He saved the woman’s life and was hailed as a hero. We have all heard of these kinds of selfless acts. When someone’s life is in danger there rings out a cry for help and many times heroes answer true.

There something about the cry of desperation, the cry for help, that causes even the most inhibited person to leave the realm of reason and dive into any situation without thought of life or limb.

People are crying for help all around us everyday. If we would but learn the language we would surely hear their cry. But alas, I find all too often in my life that I’m crying to loud to hear the cry of others.

God heard a cry from humanity and sent a savior. Jesus jumped into the river of humanity to save what was lost. What are the cries that we hear? Are we so caught up in becoming great that we forget to be great in every moment of the day? I can be great without being seen. I can be great without a stage. I can be great when I sincerely do what others will not without being seen. I am great when I serve.

Who or what is crying for help around you? To ignore it, you ignore you change to be great.

Repost : It's all about the BE!

Take some time to meditate this one. Enjoy the story, immerse youself in it ... but then dissect it and apply it to yourself. I'll add some questions at the end that I want to hear more from you about.


Over the past couple of days I've noticed an epidemic. People who are still looking for the way to know? How do you know anything in life?

Yeah it seems like such a simple question... until you try to practically apply it.

How do I know the sky is blue... well my eyes perceive it that way, yet where can you show me the blue in the sky? Can you grab it and put it in my hand? What if the sky is red? You say it isn't, yet I've seen it look very red before. So which is it... blue or red?

It's the flaw of the human condition. It's being locked into our perception being reality. It is the inevitability of the fact that we are finite and our minds are finite... and you will never arrive.

That is why we look for ten steps to know if what people think about us is what God thinks about us. That is why we look for someone to show us the "way to live". To some extent it is even why read this blog. We think that there is a higher way to live that we can "know".

Now, before you start yelling heretic and calling for me to be burned at the stake let me finish.

The fact is that “knowing” is a problem for us. Being is much more accurate. If you “know” something then it is describable, it has distinct limitations, it can be put into a little box by the parameters your mind puts around it. Being on the other hand is an entirely different story.

Don’t get me wrong… I strong believe that knowing is an important first step towards being, but the problem is that it is only a step. I’ll end with this story and write more about it later.

There once was this little monkey. This little monkey went down to the waterhole with his mother one day. It was the first time he had ever been to the big pond! He was so excited. He ran down to the water’s edge and peered in.

He scrambled back in surprise at the little monkey on the surface of the water staring back at him! He looked and looked from a distance but the little monkey was gone. Finally, he built up enough courage to move back to the water’s edge… and boom there it was again. Determined to be a brave monkey he held his ground. He waved and as he did the monkey in the water waved at the same time. He smiled and so did the other monkey. The little monkey started getting frustrated at this copy cat in the water. He moved quickly trying to surprise the monkey in the water but to no avail, the monkey in the water mimicked him exactly. All of this mimicking made the little monkey very angry. He smacked the monkey as hard as he could.

Sure enough the monkey disappeared. The little monkey beamed at his superiority until suddenly he looked down and there the monkey was again. He smacked the water again… and once again after a moment or two he re-appeared.

Finally, after his failure the little monkey became intrigued. He could not figure out where this new monkey came from and why he couldn’t get to him. He was also baffled that when he felt like he should be the closest to the little monkey that he ended up being the farthest away. The monkey would even disappear.

He pondered all of this for a while and with his dogged tenacity decided that he would not be made a fool of any longer by this monkey. He chased it all over the waterhole running hard after it, thinking that he must just barely be missing it, but time after time it would disappear in the thrashing waters. Finally, in disgust he gave up and plopped down backwards to sit in the cold water. As usual the monkey appeared again.

Totally fed up with disgust, the little monkey had an idea. He plunged his head under the water, bound, bent, and determined to find the monkey. He held his head under longer and longer and longer… so bullheaded was the little monkey that he took a deep breath of the water… just knowing that it must be safe since the other monkey did it.

As he lay there drowning his lungs filled with the murky water… he cursed the monkey that he never could find.


That’s why it has to matter and not matter… stop searching and start being… It’s much more fulfilling.




I heard a wise man say "if you have rabbit in you, eventually you will run." How much monkey do you have in you that you are trying to hide?


What are areas in your life where you are slapping at the monkey, maybe because you don't like what you see, maybe even you are smacking at other people that are merely reflecting you?


How much time are you spending chasing the monkey in the water vs how much time you are enjoying being the monkey?


Do you take yourself so seriously that you forget to "monkey around"... besides isn't that what monkeys do?

Who am I?

The question is up again... I think it's a side effect of change.

Maybe you haven't actually asked yourself this question... but let me offer a few ways to discern how you are identifying yourself.

What do the "voices" say to you? Let me explain. In each of our lives there are "voices" not people... but I personally believe a spiritual voice that comes to attack us and challenge us in our weakest areas. It hits us in our judgement... our measuring system. If it can attack our judgement then it suddenly is setting the standards in our lives and not us or for some of us God.

For example... if you are constantly being challenged and hearing voices that try to tell you that people are against you, and that they are "out to get you", then your judgement system probably has alot to do with how others perceive you. (Obviously I'm over simplifying this for the sake of making a point. Judgement systems are much more complex.) Or maybe you struggle like I do with not feeling like things, people, or my life is ever going to truly change... and "am I really on the cutting edge". This traces back to the fact that I get alot of my self value and and self worth from what I do.

I think that anytime you are hearing those "voices" questioning you, you can trace it back and find that your judgement system is what is being attacked. The way you value things. The way you Evaluate things... is always what the voice is attacking.

So then using the "enemy's" voice as a tool, I want you to ask the question to yourself... "How do I determine who I am?".

Am I evaluating my selfworth based on my talents and how good I am at what I do?
Are you basing your selfworth only on what other people say about you? Are you basing your self worth on whether you "have anything to say"?

There are countless other systems that you could be evaluating yourself by. First write down.. maybe even post... what your value system is and how you are measuring yourself in a positive or negative light, then compare it to how you feel like the authority in your life wants you to evaluate yourself. For some reading this you may consider that authority "God", for others it may simply be a standard of living that you are wanting to have. At any rate, be sure that your evaluation system and the evaluation system of "that" that you want to become are in correct alignment.

If not, then take a season to carefully evaluate how you evaluate. Take the time to gather wisdom on how you should be judging.

Remember also that the way you are judging yourself is actually how you are judging others as well. I truly don't believe there is anything wrong with judging others... so long as you are willing to judge yourself in the same manner. Remember the new testament says "Judge not that you be not judged". If you don't mind being judged by the same standard and by the same set of "evaluatives" then go ahead and even judge others. Just be sure that the system you are measuring by is based on what you want to be judged by... do you want the system of grace and mercy or a system of performance and perfection?

Just some thoughts... do I know who I am? ... nah of course not... I'm not there yet... but I think I'm on the trail. And discovering my personal judgement system is an important step.

Why it is important to post!

Why is it important that you post?

I appreciate the many kind comments that I recieved to urge me to continue the blog but I did have some concerns. I had several people mention that they received something even though they didn’t t post. The reason that I need you to post is that this blog isn’t because I need your feedback to think I’m doing a good job. It’s because this blog is as much about me growing as it is about you getting something out of it. And if you don’t comment then you are robbing me of an opportunity to grow. The fact is that I want this place to be a community of ideas that ebb and flow and challenge and confront. That makes it impossible for a single person to do this. Maybe sometimes you do simply need to say “right on” but other times you may need to say “SAY WHAT?!!!”.

I don’t say this condescendingly, but it is selfish of you to simply ponder your thoughts and ideas. You are falling into the same trap that I confessed to yesterday, a trap of “using” other people and only getting the best out of them without ever risking a real relationship. I don’t expect every person to say something about every post, but you shouldn’t make it through more than three without having some kind of feeling and comment.

The other thing about posting comments is this… it holds you accountable. Suddenly, even using a pseudonym, you now have committed yourself to an idea and a viewpoint that others can poke holes in, challenge you with, or even affirm you with! You are showing that you aren’t just “one of the crowd” and willing to “go with the flow” but instead you are YOU and aren’t afraid to be YOU even if that means being wrong.

Be cautious that you don’t let the same fear that trapped me for so long into “using” people and hiding behind my façade trap you as well. Like I said you don’t have to espouse some great doctrine every time a post is made, I just simply ask that you be a part of the community and let us know that you are out there… a community is built on common experiences and sometimes we just need to know you shared the same experience of reading the post.

I look forward to this coming year and seeing each of us blossom into what God has for us!

Good or God?

In my life it's a season of evaluation. I'm having to go back and evaluate everything that I do and why I am doing it. Everything from this blog to my dinner dates with my fiance. Why do we do things?

What I discovered about myself is that I do alot of good things. They help people, they develop people, and they strengthen people. And yet, they often hurt people, bury people, and exclude people. Why is it that often the "great" things that I do end up hurting those that I'm trying to help?

Well I think I have discovered at least a part of the answer. Bob Dyl

For me:

I have discovered that I often use people. I do good things to get the best out of them. Because the only value that I have for them is what they can do. Because that is the only way that I value myself. I don't simply like to be around myself (if that makes ANY sense). I have to constantly prove my worth to myself. I can tie it back to a thousand reasons and probably one or two significant events, however as far as you are concerned the origin isn't the issue. It's the recognition.

During this time of evaluation I'm realizing that it doesn't neccesarily mean I should quit doing these "good" things, but I should discover the God reason for doing them... if there is one.

Because of my fear of relationships... yes I'm afraid to have a close relationship... then I have isolated my true self from people so that I control everything that anyone around me sees. I make myself "perfect" around them. And often I even succeed at creating a "perfect" facade. However, eventually that cold hard facade breaks or breaks somebody.

So here I am stuck in the conundrum... do I let the facade down and come out from behind my wall of "perfection" and face the rejection and the pain and the hurt and the feelings that I have buried for so long. Do I begin to care again what people think? Do I dare to let their thoughts and feelings about me affect me?

Or do I stay distant and lead from a positional level only... manipulating people and using them to get the "most" out of them.

Well you may think that choice is easy but you obviously haven't faced it yourself if that is what you think. Especially when leaving the facade up could mean that you actually "do" more. At least in the short run. If I let the facade down I have to start all over. I have to begin again... and the beginning seems so far away!

Yet to continue to stumble along behind a mask of arrogance, confidence, and manipulation is no legitimate alternative either.

So as Joe Egan put it "here I am stuck in the middle with you!"

I won't lie... I have no idea even how to start to be real... How to really care what people think... how to really care how they feel... how to really make what they are more important than what they do.

In summary, beware of how you deal with approval addiction. Simply not caring what people think is not the answer. Trust me I know. Because most often what we think of as "not caring" is simply controlling what people think (whether it is negative or positive).

I must care what they think... I must know what they think... I must be able to EMPATHIZE with what they think. If I don't I'm bound to a life of isolation and insignificance.

So how do we seperate ourselves from this trap... we'll look into that in posts to come!