In my life it's a season of evaluation. I'm having to go back and evaluate everything that I do and why I am doing it. Everything from this blog to my dinner dates with my fiance. Why do we do things?
What I discovered about myself is that I do alot of good things. They help people, they develop people, and they strengthen people. And yet, they often hurt people, bury people, and exclude people. Why is it that often the "great" things that I do end up hurting those that I'm trying to help?
Well I think I have discovered at least a part of the answer. Bob Dyl
For me:
I have discovered that I often use people. I do good things to get the best out of them. Because the only value that I have for them is what they can do. Because that is the only way that I value myself. I don't simply like to be around myself (if that makes ANY sense). I have to constantly prove my worth to myself. I can tie it back to a thousand reasons and probably one or two significant events, however as far as you are concerned the origin isn't the issue. It's the recognition.
During this time of evaluation I'm realizing that it doesn't neccesarily mean I should quit doing these "good" things, but I should discover the God reason for doing them... if there is one.
Because of my fear of relationships... yes I'm afraid to have a close relationship... then I have isolated my true self from people so that I control everything that anyone around me sees. I make myself "perfect" around them. And often I even succeed at creating a "perfect" facade. However, eventually that cold hard facade breaks or breaks somebody.
So here I am stuck in the conundrum... do I let the facade down and come out from behind my wall of "perfection" and face the rejection and the pain and the hurt and the feelings that I have buried for so long. Do I begin to care again what people think? Do I dare to let their thoughts and feelings about me affect me?
Or do I stay distant and lead from a positional level only... manipulating people and using them to get the "most" out of them.
Well you may think that choice is easy but you obviously haven't faced it yourself if that is what you think. Especially when leaving the facade up could mean that you actually "do" more. At least in the short run. If I let the facade down I have to start all over. I have to begin again... and the beginning seems so far away!
Yet to continue to stumble along behind a mask of arrogance, confidence, and manipulation is no legitimate alternative either.
So as Joe Egan put it "here I am stuck in the middle with you!"
I won't lie... I have no idea even how to start to be real... How to really care what people think... how to really care how they feel... how to really make what they are more important than what they do.
In summary, beware of how you deal with approval addiction. Simply not caring what people think is not the answer. Trust me I know. Because most often what we think of as "not caring" is simply controlling what people think (whether it is negative or positive).
I must care what they think... I must know what they think... I must be able to EMPATHIZE with what they think. If I don't I'm bound to a life of isolation and insignificance.
So how do we seperate ourselves from this trap... we'll look into that in posts to come!
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Real Leaders on Change, Life, and Revolution.
3 comments:
Christe
I can identify with you on the mask and fear of relationships. Thru this start of evaluation I have discovered that i seem to have an alter personality. In places other than church and the classroom I am an opinionated dominant personality. When I enter the classroom I mask those traits for various reasons and sit back to let others carry the discussions. The simple answer is to open my mouth but I make it so much more complicated than it really is or has to be.
I guess, utimately, I have a choice to change or not. Simple as that!
As far as the Approval Addiction side of things and not caring but caring, my question is this...
In what way should we care what they think?
Over the Holidays I visited my father, the relationship between my father and I hasn't and isn't the greatest of father/daughter relationship. Its more of a hey, how are you, as a courtesy call, more than a call of love and concern. Well over this holiday break I went for the first time ever for 2 days by myself, I have never traveled that distance alone, more for the fear of being around him than being alone, but this time I went with a different attitude. I went wanting to honestly get to know him in some way that I never had before.
Just to paint a picture I see my father 1 to 2 times a year and may speak on the phone a total of 4 or 5 times a year, and all the times in the past for leaving my fathers house I drove a 3 hour drive in tears all the way back. Feeling hurt and torn down.
This time I went and as he spoke though he would say one thing I would hear another. My father is dying the doctor hasn't given him long to live and my father has made the choice to live as he choices and not follow the doctors advice. Through out my visit he would make comments like, "I hope I'm dead before you get married so I don't have to pay for it" or "I'm glad I will be dead when you have kids so I don't have to watch them"
In the past these comments would cut to the quick but this time I heard the pain behind them and the sadness, its as though he is trying to express his hurt, fears, and pains, but not knowing how, he makes the comments he makes.
I have always cared what my father thought of me and his words use to cut me deep but not I still care what he thinks more so in knowing how he feels and what he is facing.
WOW!.... what honesty ... from both Kave and "Paul". That's what it takes to let down the facade and be real... and that's why I say I'm still often "Stuck in the middle with you".
And Kave you're right. It's not caring what the person says as much as it is ... caring about the person. And reading through what they actually say and understanding why they are saying it.
It's called empathy... and it's something that I struggle ...wait STRUGGLE.... to do. Empathy is a hard thing... it's more than just knowing what the person is thinking and feeling and means that you actually think and feel like they do. It's hard to put words around. I consider myself fairly decent at reading people... and even understanding what "hurts" them... but I totally stink at empathizing with them. I fail to let what I recognize about them change me... I merely recognize it and use it... which of course is manipulation. I can even get people to be "better" people by doing this... but it still isn't "right" because I'm not doing it for the person... I'm doing it for myself.
Thanks again for the amazing comments and keep em' comin'!
Post a Comment