Do you ever ask questions? No really, DO YOU ASK QUESTIONS?
I thought I did. I thought that I asked questions. But I'm beginning to realize that I don't. You know why I don't ask questions? Because I don't want real answers. I really don't care what people think, and I really don't care what value they have. That's why I don't ask questions. If I wanted to know I would ask.
So why don't I want to know?
For one, it would mean that I didn't know the answer to something. I would have to admit that I don't know it all. I would have to expect someone to know something that I don't, and at least for me, that isn't easy to do. My performance standard does not want to let me be wrong. It wants me to have the answer. It wants me to be able to give direction. I think that if I don't have an answer then those I'm leading will think less of me.
Secondly, I often am oblivious to other people. I am so wrapped up in being a good performer that I miss any value in the people around me. I miss when they seem to have something to say. I miss when they give off some non-verbal communication that indicates an underlying opinion. I become totally wrapped up in my greatness and miss the greatness in everyone else.
Probably not last, and probably not least, I simply don't like conflict. Many people who know me are often telling me how confrontational I am. But I am not truly confrontational, I am blunt. There is a big difference! I don't have a problem pointing out problems and even offering solutions. But I have found that I get very uncomfortable when I force people to walk through their own beliefs, their own value, and their own opinions. I think I'm afraid that I might hurt them. Or maybe I'm afraid that they might reject me. At any rate I know that deeper levels of real intimacy can be very intimidating to me. I don't have any problem explaining someone's issues (and often I am right), but it's much more difficult for me to expose them to their issues.
For example, I can tell all of you that you are terrible at change and that you never execute, but it is another thing for me to walk you into that revelation so that you see yourself as terrible at change and never executing. I think I'm afraid that you might blame/identify me with the flaws in you. Because I've convinced myself in the past that I am "confrontational" I have actually ran from REAL conflict because I did not want people to see me that way!
OUCH!!! THIS HURTS!!!
I think what this means is that to become a great leader, I have to accept that it is ok for me to be controversial and confrontational. So long as my heart and my motive is for the other person's uplifting and not their detriment. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR US TO BE US?
Hopefully, you can identify with this post. I certainly didn't post for pity, but more for personal recognition of where I am. It's my hope that recognizing and exposing my flaws can help you to avoid them!
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3 comments:
Very good post and alas, I can relate. Why do we think others will really like us if we impress them with what we know? I think what really makes people like us is how they FEEL about THEMSELVES when they are with us. If they feel all warm and fuzzy, really cared for or liked themselves, they like us more. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me. Just wish I could remember it all the time.
Enjoy your blog.
Where’s the line between overanalyzing ourselves and acceptance of actions as real and actual. I understand what you’re saying but how are we ever going to determine “ourselves” if we never allow for a moment of awareness. Yes, we are all compulsive and we could all stand to be more sensitive to people around us but if we never accept the here and now how will we ever enjoy the journey called life?
Are we on a self-deprecating path? Are we always lacking and measuring ourselves against an impossible benchmark that no one man could attain to? Becoming a leader is always about changing and challenging yourself and God only knows that we are apt to settle in the here and now but if we never take the time to realize where we have come from I’m afraid we will be too discouraged to ever complete these journeys we’re on.
And no we shouldn’t bask in the dying light of yesterday, nevertheless we have to have a point of origin in our endeavors (even if it isn’t a very glorious one) or we’ll get so caught up in the task of change that we may forget why we ever wanted to in the first place.
Yes, it’s okay for you to be controversial; if what you’ve got to say isn’t then obviously you haven’t much to say at all. Being confrontational and controversial and radical and all these other buzzwords isn’t really the point though. Being significant within the realm of your life and the lives around you hinges completely on your ability to be you. And not in the I’m okay You’re okay sense of the phrase. You are you and no matter what geneticists and theorist may discover no one else will ever take the place of you. Your assignment in life is to be you completely and unashamedly. Whether you rule or serve or knell or lead or follow isn’t really the focus. The focus is the fulfillment of your life’s work and perhaps it is to lead but you will lead only to the extent that you can accept yourself as yourself in all your greatness and in all your inadequacies; trusting that the people around you will fulfill there life’s work as well. We are all pieces of a much larger puzzle equal and necessary in our functions and insignificant outside of the puzzle itself.
There’s a lot of truth and wisdom in your write up. Don’t let the “doing” overcome the reason for doing. We’re like the seasons of the earth wild and raw in our infancy. Shining and glistening with the sweat of our labors in those dry seasons where we work our hands and plow our rows, but we are also the glory of fall. Of winter. Of regeneration and newness of life. Each one precious. Each one significant and necessary to complete the span of our lives…
Ok lets try this again since it didn't work the first time to comment back to you guys!
Leon, as far as who I lead and who leads we you will get all the answers in an upcoming post.
Paul, I think you are right. We can become over critical and self analyzing and miss the moments that make life great. I'm guilty as charged, however this is the Change Addicts blog. For me to change I have to be willing to become critical of where I am and take a realistic look at where I want to be. Maybe I'm not there, and Maybe I won't get there, but I know, at least for me, that it is part of my design to try to get there. I hope that makes sense.
EM - FANTASTIC QUESTION!!!
I'll be posting more on this coming soon. For now, think of it this way. Good confrontation is when I can allow you to see yourself, not just tell you about yourself. If my motives are for you to truly discover who you are and to truly see who you are, then I believe that it is generally good confrontation. If my goal is to show how bad your are... then it becomes bad confrontation. I can reflect ugly parts of a person without being critical of those parts, merely shining a light on them and exposing them as being there. It's when I let the presence of those ugly parts devalue the person in my eyes that the confrontation becomes worthless and "wrong". Like I said, much more to come on this and thanks for the GREAT question!
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