Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Real Confrontation?

I had a recent comment on a previous post that asked the question..."What is good confrontation, what does it look like, how does it work?"

This is the heart of a change addict. Understanding confrontation is the key to becoming a successful change addict. I am going to summarize confrontation into 3 stages, I'm sure some smart philosopher somewhere has a much better description but this is my way of looking at it.

The best example I can think of for confrontation is semi-poetic. Think of the moment that a caterpillar begins to spin a cocoon. This is a confrontation. The caterpillar must recognize that there is something inside of him that is longing to do things differently (now bare with the metaphor, I know that caterpillars do this instinctively, but don't mess up my metaphor). Whether it is his innate design or simply a craving for something more we can't be sure, because none of us can communicate with caterpillars. However, either way there comes a moment that "just being a caterpillar" becomes a problem. This is the first recognition phase. The same caterpillar has lived its entire life without needing to be any different, content to crawl from one leaf to the next, inching along while living for its next meal.

What is it that caused that caterpillar to suddenly be unsatisfied with just getting around the way it has? I'm not sure about the caterpillar, but for me, it is when I suddenly recognize that there is more potential out there and I am able to TRULY see myself where I am at. The problem most of us have is that we think we are butterflies, so we never stop to think what we need to do to become a butterfly!
So the first step to "good confrontation" is that it must REVEAL REALITY!

Notice that the first step is not to condemn reality. It is to reveal it. If I am trying to condemn someone else's reality, then I have devalued them seperate from their action and now have no right to lead them anywhere. Therefore, my confrontation MUST come out of a desire to see them truly fulfill their potential because I value them so much WHERE THEY ARE!

There is much more to this and maybe I will post more on each individual phase in the coming weeks. For now I will move on to step 2.

The second phase of "Good Confrontation" is the chrysalis phase. This is a phase of seeming isolation. When I confront you with a "right" motive, then I there will come a time of you building up a walls that isolate you. This is contrary to our normal belief! We think we need to charge into change, but what I have discovered is that it is nearly impossible to "run" into change. It is a gradual process that forces us to become vulnerable. Now understand, isolation does not mean isolation. Isolation in this situation means a closing off to the exterior to deal with the interior. If I am confronting you "appropriately" then I will be on the "inside".

Think of it this way. We don't do surgery on the side of the road.

We do surgery in an "isolated" and sterile environment. We take you out of many of the circumstances that would "irritate" the problem and we deal with it. This chrysalis phase is an opportunity for us to "wound"/do surgery on you to help you become whole again. It's not about perfection, it's about wholeness. The bible says, "the wounds of a friend are faithful". It is the wounds that I give you that are faithful to you. It's my willingness to risk making you see something in yourself that is uncomfortable and wounding, that makes me a faithful friend. Therefore, I have to isolate you and help YOU see the problem. The only person that any of us can change, is ourselves. Therefore, my goal is not to "fix" you. My goal is to allow you to see that you are still just a caterpillar. It's the reality that will then allow you to change yourself. My only responsibility is to be sure that you see yourself with REALITY.

In the chyrsalis your world falls apart. Suddenly, everything feels like it is closing in you. You feel uncomfortable, you feel weak, you feel powerless, you feel like you aren't getting anything done, and you feel like EVERYONE ELSE is "boxing you in". If you feel that way, then it is a great sign that you are well on your way to a significant change!

More on this later as well!

Finally, the last phase is the Rediscovery phase. This is when you have finally "fought" your way out of the cocoon. (By the way fighting your way out of the cocoon is the thing that gives you the strength to survive once you get out!) Suddenly you try to crawl like the caterpillar you were and it doesn't work. Everything you have ever known feels like it is worthless. All the great knowledge you thought you had come crashing down around you. You now enter a new world, with a humbleness of reality. A newness of how to function, operate, and move. This can be a terrifying phase because you suddenly realize..."I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" The fact is that you never "knew" what you were doing, you just thought you did. You could perform well as a caterpillar and you thought you "knew" how to be "you", but instead you were just good at performing and you had no idea what "you" really are.

It's that moment where you feel weak and powerless. It's intimidating, it's scary, and it's EMPOWERING. Because you suddenly realize if I am ever going to be able to be or do anything it is going to be because of someone else. Whether it is God directly or God in those people around you, you suddenly realize that YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE!

Welcome to real leadership. Welcome to responsibility for those people around you! Welcome to REALITY!

Like I said, it's impossible to summarize the complexity of confrontation into a single post so there will be much more to come that will outline each phase of confrontation, but maybe this overview will get you started in the right direction!

Thanks for reading!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ken,
Thank you! You are so honest. For me, personally, it is hard to see where I am at. And you helped to clear it up. You can never get to the next place until you first know where you are. So I quess my next question would be timing? How do you know when is the right time to move to the next phase, and how do you know when is the right time to lead someone else there? Just a thought. Thank again Ken. Em

Ken Hendrix said...

I don't think we control the timing Em! I think it is a natural occurance. As far as leading someone else there, its a heart thing. You must first have the time and the liberty. After that, it's listening for the unction to help them go there! I may post more on this at some point in the future, my list of posts is growing, but this certainly bears more time!

Thanks for the gracious comments and keep up the change in your life!

Anonymous said...

Ken,
For me, patience does not come easy. I push myself and I push others, always to the next phase, to the next level. A very wise person once told me, "You are not trying to get anywhere. Life is a journey, so enjoy it." I think I am finally realizing that to lead people or to change (myself) I must have a servants heart. In serving, you lead. My focus in life in general, cannot always be about changing and going to the next level, but what can I do to serve EVERYONE around me today, right now.
I am rambling. Just some food for thought. Em