So what is it all about?
Why do you care, why does it matter, why do you do anything, why do you care about leadership, why why why why why!!!!!!
The things that I minimize the most are often the things that I actually think it's all about.
The relationships.
The smiles.
The change.
My God.
my god...what have I become. That I have made the most important things the least important things and the least important things the most important things. I have fallen into the trap of Good things that I preach so defiantly against.
When asked what I would like to be doing in leadership... I really didn't have an answer. You wanna know why? Because I haven't spent enough time with the purpose in doing it to have an answer.
Action without purpose becomes religion. And religion is the deadliest cult in the world. I have managed a way to do things without being things. I can "do" leadership, but I have no idea/awareness of why or really even what I am doing. That's great that I can do those things and I'm not downplaying the gifts I have, but what the heck good are gifts if you have no idea what they are really designed to thrive doing.
I can do the things that support the purpose that I have adopted, but the problem is it's the wrong purpose. It is as success focused. I have created a system that is better than most in that it values failure as success, but it overlooks the purpose behind it all. I'm spending alot of time figuring out how to make the monkey in the water do the right things. I'm literally manipulating myself. Not leading and being.
Because I haven't connected with the TRUE purposes, I don't have the self-discipline of a two year old in the little things in my life. While the little things don't kill me, they do kill me. They are the tiny cracks that have begun to spring up in the foundation I have laid in my life. Weeds are beginning to grow through the cracks. The scary thing is, I have become numb to it. I realize that the problem exists, but because I can't manipulate and control it out of my life, I have resigned myself to live with it. I have become the god of my world, and I refuse to admit that something or someone else might be able to help me.
Understand, this isn't a conscious effort, I don't sit and think about how much I want to control my life. I have become numb and seared to the very things that used to prick my heart. I have resigned myself from higher standards in the name of "grace". The problem is that I am also resigning that grace is weaker than my ability to manipulate myself. Therefore, what is the point.
So, I have no idea where to go from here... which I actually hope is the first step. But I do know that recognizing it is the first step to overcoming it. I will radically manipulate myself I have no doubt, but hopefully in my own manipulative behaviours I will position myself to access the grace that I actually need.
So the question I'm left to ponder and breakdown about is "what is it really all about?" you? them? or Him?
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2 comments:
I really fell that we have become a people that lacks priority. We just do as much as we can do in a 24 hour period and whatever happens just happens. But what's first priority, and second, third...and so on. And I'm not talking about what you label priority in your dayplanner. I'm talking about what takes precedent when conflicts arise. God is a God of priorities. Like Wife said, "Seek First". When we get 1st right, then 2nd, 3rd, 4th become clear. That's where I'm at right now...priority.
In the movie, "A Beautiful Mind" (unless you knew what the movie was all about) you couldn't tell what was actually real and what was just imagined. SCARY! I could be IMAGINING that everything is one way, when In REALITY, it's something completely different. I've come to realize that my whole life, I've been living my life in pursuit of the Imagination (my own selfish desires).
...And now, I feel like I'm starting at ground zero. (Is that something I'm supposed to be glad about?) -Because it really sucks to tell you the truth.
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